So let’s check in.
I’m in a major life pivot, uprooting and clearing. Things I was stubborn about changing and evolving all of a sudden are crumbling and falling apart right before my eyes. The destruction felt massive to my system. The wake up call was huge. I’ve been navigating this pivot for months now.
I’m not beyond the loss and destruction of the last few months, the most humane thing I can do for myself is to sit with the choices I’ve made and see where they take me. One of the questions I’m asked by my intuitive knowing is, how did I get here?
This question has been following me like a tail the last few months. The deeper I go into this question, I’m feeling deeper into my emotions and touching unfelt parts of myself. The question itself has sparked feeling into parts of me grieving, in shock, outraged and saddened. All the heavy emotions swimming in darkness.
My nervous system has been out of wack for awhile now. It really started with the landlord change in 2020 and progressively my nervous system stayed in a heighted and alarmed state for longer periods of time without a break. This was making me sick.
I’m still grieving, in shock, outraged and saddened, but I can be satisfied trusting there is more for me. The spiritual journey hasn’t been easy emotionally. Emotional maturity comes with a surrender you have to walk yourself through.
The Lalita Sahasranama has been my guide navigating my emotions and placing my experience in the grand scheme of things. I saw my attachments and how much suffering it was bringing me; I was still participating in enmeshment and toxicity. New boundaries were becoming realities.
It took months for my nervous system to regulate itself out of alarm. I removed myself from an unhealthy environment and continued devoting myself to my spiritual practices. My emotions were a roller coaster and needed day to day care and release. Through my prayers with Sri Mata, I found ways to accept my new reality, I found ways to let go, surrender and walk into this new something unfolding in front on me.
This loss and new birth has illuminated the role of my nervous system and the ways it will signal harmony and misalignment. My body shows me what it feels like when my nervous system becomes chronically dysregulated. Deep emotional healing work surfaces because along the way, I missed the cues to acknowledge and satisfy myself.
How did I get here?