It’s windy today. The wind is whistling outside swaying the tree leaves in the window. I can smell the beets and sweet potatoes baking in the oven. I’m trying to relax and feel at ease, but my body tenses up when I’m back here. I noticed as we were driving back into the city, my anxiety was ever-present again. There’s a sense of exhaustion and weariness, a sense of wanting to disassociate. I haven’t been able to properly express these deeper feelings and connect with them, I know that surrendering into them completely will take a few more months to get to. I know this moment when it arrives will ask me to bring my fullest awareness to create with these feelings and be in relationship with them. I know when the moment has lined up where my consciousness can fuse and merge with these feelings, I will be in a fully immersive creative field; like phoenix attaining nirvana.
It’s remarkable the way Spirit sends messages and who speaks these messages to us. A message from Santa Muerte through one of her devotees reminded me to connect with the wind, air and breath. I was reminded that as long as we have breath there is a purpose for our life as we live it out. Our minds might try to convince us our lives are pointless and meaningless lacking direction, but having breath in a body is an intention activated full of potential.
I stared out the window at the trees and wind dancing together and relaxed into my body, feeling every inch of me with my awareness. I relaxed into receiving what I feel without my minds interference. The wind is helping my feel into the comfort of movement and being carried. They tell me to move deeper into the surrendering of the moment and to be carried by the movement of my consciousness, my awareness and my choices. Wind is showing me how movement is a dance with life as is the evolution of my choices through my conscious awareness.
I sat reflecting with myself while the wind was softening my anxiety. I just got off a call with Spirit Nurture Jas and we were discussing our energetic workflow. How do we stay “focused”, what is “work”- what does that mean and how do we move stagnant energy to get work done. I have this conversation with the people I’m closest to, I discuss with them how I feel about the colonial settlement I’m living in and I always remind myself I’m living in a colonial settlement. In much regard, I find myself discussing colonialism a lot, not because of any fond reason other than to engage a lens to observe conditions through. I live in an amalgamated British colony enacted by a Parliament.
These things come up a lot in Fresh Water Society discussions. Together we are washing our consciousness of exploitation and moving into a creative immersive field with our energy. I’m always asking myself, what does my community need. As we were driving back, I was talking to him about getting a designation and my reasons for it. I’m always seeking ways to be in relationship with life and serving life, I have no desire to make money extorting people with ridiculous fees. Yet there are so many of my people living in this settlement being robbed, lied to, and swindled by greedy people in the market. I’m haunted by how much a tax lawyer wants for 30 minutes consultation.
It’s been a challenge holding this consciousness and evolving my sense of abundance, I live in a colonial settlement. One thing I learned is feelings emerge for healing and wholeness in all ways always. If I’m to discover what walking this spiritual path means, knowing I have fully surrendered into saying yes to the call to awake and lead consciously, I must trust the moment’s conditions are here as the challenges to evolve spiritually.
I come back to the history of my Ancestors as my guidance to ask questions. The more I dig into our history and the Diaspora I belong to, I heal and learn to create from my abundant energy. Creating with my abundant energy is my recalibrated “work”. The more I spend time with my Ancestors and be with our stories, I heal and integrate from the legacy of colonization. I create access to my creative spaces within myself.
I pitched a workshop on the emergence of spirituality in the future of work and the organization wasn’t interested in the energy I laid out. There’s a concept of “work” they wanted to perpetuate that I wasn’t aligning with, needless to say, they asked me to change my scope of work and I refused the contract. Because of the internal conflict I’ve always felt with this word “work”, I made an attempt to transcend my relationship with it. Part of my work was recognizing the history of labor and more importantly the history of my Ancestors labor as indentured Indians in British Guiana.
Settlements, economies and work are spaces of friction that I’m always recalibrating in my consciousness, not because I’m rebelling against something, but because of the guiding feelings inside of me I spend time with to clarify and cleanse my choices. I went from asking myself; how do I feel about “work”, where do my ideas of work come from what do I want to do as “my work” to asking how do I want to play with my energy to create. The more I’m with my internal conflicts, asking questions about what feels misaligned inside, I learn to recalibrate my guiding principles in ways that feels unifying and wholesome for me. Playing with my energy in the creative field and creating with my feelings feels unifying and wholesome
Being in the creative field with my energy is “work” I want to pour my energy and time into. Living in a settlement these days means working for a governing nation state receiving benefits and wages in exchange for energy as your labor, or living in one while sustaining yourself your own way. I’m choosing to create with my energy and to live purposefully for my community and the legacy of my family.
As I recalibrate work for myself, I can clearly see the systems of this settlement, how economies of settlements “work” and how we fuse our energy into the settlement itself. My Ancestors are teaching me to step out of the bubble and to do for myself with my energy. This first contract they signed was to “work” a post slave plantation for rations and benefits, not much has changed these days, just bigger governments with more intrinsic dependency upon them and creative financing. They are teaching me to cut these cords for our linage to finally embody our freedom and liberation.